


Becalmed

by Jemppu



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Art, Culmets - Freeform, Fanart, M/M, Tumblr, honey mushroom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23838343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jemppu/pseuds/Jemppu
Summary: becalmed/bɪˈkɑːmd/adjective(of a sailing ship) unable to move through lack of wind.A day somewhere in Paul's imagined alternative future after season one. Harkening back to theHoney Mushroom narratives, too.Originallyposted on tumblr.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. Sail On, My Hearty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _becalmed  
>  /bɪˈkɑːmd/  
> adjective  
> (of a sailing ship) unable to move through lack of wind._
> 
> A day somewhere in Paul's imagined future after Hugh.
> 
> Originally [posted on tumblr.](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171246135419/sail-on-my-hearty-this-is-the-first-one-in-three)

[ ](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171246135419/sail-on-my-hearty-this-is-the-first-one-in-three)

The day was sunny. The light had full access to the room from the fully windowed wall past the open curtains. The sea outside was whispering calmly and occasional languid gull’s cry told that the day was only just beginning.

Paul turned around in his bed to meet the sunlight and slowly squinted his eyes open to the tranquil scene from the window.

He lay there on his back with his arms spread wide beside him, in a bed far too large for only one, with his face turned to look out to the sea. His gaze traveled past the arm in front of his field of vision and out onto the terrace and the clear blue sky beyond it. It was a perfect morning to start his second year without Hugh.

Or what would be his second year without Hugh, if he hadn’t carried him with him all this time. For him, Hugh had never left. He had thought once, that the conversations he had had in his head with Hugh, right after his passing were just something to help him cope with the sudden loss, and help his mind adjust to his new, lonely situation. That they would subside and fade away in time. That he would learn to live without him. He would learn to live alone. Forget. And be okay with it.

But it hadn’t happened yet. It hadn’t had to happen. Hugh was still with him. Paul still hadn’t had to learn to live alone. He still hadn’t forgotten and he still didn’t have to move on. There was nothing to move on from. Hugh was right there. With him.

“Morning.” Paul whispered in the room, raising a hand to his forehead and running it through his hair.

“Morning, Mushroom”, he heard back.

Paul glanced at the nightstand across the bed, on the opposite side from the windowed wall. On it lay a black ribboned medal in an open display box. And two opera tickets he had bought out of sentimentality a year ago. He liked to think the pain had waned since then, but the feeling of an undelivered promise still lingered after years. Maybe it always would.

Paul pushed the blanket aside and wiggled himself to the edge of the bed, put his feet down to the soft carpeted floor and rose up to sit on the edge of the bed. He turned his head and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror hanging on the sidewall. He adjusted his hunched posture, stood up and slowly walked over to the mirror, observing himself in full, stopping to stand there in nothing but his pajama pants.

“You think I’ve gotten a bit more around here?” Paul spoke in his mind, observing his waist from the mirror.  
“That’s just fine, Mushroom. I like a little meat on my man.” Hugh’s voice assured. Paul could feel a pair of strong arms, gently wrap around his waist.  
“Easy for you to say”, Paul snarked affectionately, “you will never be anything but your perfectly formed self.”  
Hugh chuckled in his mind. “What, are you complaining? You **love** my perfectly formed self.”

Paul smiled. He put his hand in his hair again, mussed it around a bit, adjusting it from side to side, observing it closely from the mirror. “And you won’t mind this either?” He asked with a faint look of apprehension on his face, “it’s still getting thinner and thinner each year.”  
“You know I always loved that”, Hugh spoke to him with most affectionate tone, as Paul could feel fingers play with the little swirl of thinning hair on the back of his head, “it makes you look irresistibly manly.”

“Like these”, Hugh continued, as Paul raised his arms in front of himself, displaying the thick, fluffy white hair covering his forearms, “I love falling asleep into this softness.”  
“Well, you’re in luck then. **They** sure aren’t thinning any”, Paul snickered, “I think the hair on my head might be migrating there in fact”. He could hear Hugh chuckle and felt a light encouraging pat on his hips.

Paul turned away from the mirror and walked slowly to the small kitchen cabin in the corner of the room. “Always hated shaving any of that off for those spore drive ports, just so you know.” he could hear Hugh’s voice commenting back at him.  
Paul was replicating his morning drink. “You won’t mind me saying then, how glad I was to get those off eventually”, Paul conversed in his head as he watched the replicator form a cup of tea.

“Of course not, Mushroom”, Hugh sounded to respond from the bed, “we’ve been through this many times. You don’t need to feel sorry for getting rid of those.”

“Yeah…” Paul muttered as he walked back to the room with a fresh cup of tea in his hands, “it just felt then like I was throwing something of you away”, he thought sitting down on the bed, “I know it’s silly.”

“It is. You know I wasn’t too keen on those things ‘hogging’ your arms either”, Hugh let out a little laugh, “and you really haven’t thrown **any** of me away.”

Paul looked sheepishly down to his tea. He knew what was coming.

“Don’t you think you should?” Hugh asked with a slight hint of worry in his voice.

Paul continued staring at his tea, gently rocking the cup in his hand, watching the liquid swirl. “I have tried.” Paul attempted to convince Hugh. Convince himself.

“Have you?” Hugh’s voice asked suspiciously, “or have you just waited for it to happen?”

Paul could feel a slight irritation rise up in his mind, “I won’t ever try and push you away, Hugh!” he snapped in his mind.  
“You will have to leave on your own”, he calmed down, relaxing his tensed up shoulders, “I can take it, if you want to leave. But I will never throw you away myself.”

Paul could feel Hugh’s worried gaze on him. It was as clear as the one he had seen so many times before, years ago. It spoke of uncertainty, but carried a trust in it. Trust in that he, Paul, knew what he was doing. It was the face Paul most hated disappointing. It was the face Paul did his damnest to live up to please, and reassure, that everything was going to be okay.

“And you’re not afraid you’ll end up living your whole life alone”, Hugh concluded.  
“I’m not living alone, Hugh”, Paul attested calmly.

“With you, I’ll never be alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[**tumblr**](http://jmalkki.tumblr.com/) | [**twitter**](https://twitter.com/Jemppu) | [**instagram**](https://www.instagram.com/jeminamalkki/) | [**DeviantArt**](https://www.deviantart.com/jemppu)_


	2. Sail On, My Mate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _becalmed  
>  /bɪˈkɑːmd/  
> adjective  
> (of a sailing ship) unable to move through lack of wind._
> 
> A day somewhere in Paul's imagined future after Hugh.
> 
> Originally [posted on tumblr.](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171344874064/sail-on-my-mate-you-love-my-perfectly-formed)

[ ](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171344874064/sail-on-my-mate-you-love-my-perfectly-formed)

Paul had had a wonderful day of sailing - the sea had been gentle, the wind had been pleasant and the weather clear. Couldn’t have asked for anything better. He steered his ship to the dock, onto it’s usual place and proceeded on with his docking routines.

It was right after the twilight hour and whole of the beach side scenery was now lit in hues of cool blue. The wind had all but completely calmed down and a cool briskness was starting to fill the air. The gulls too had again settled down. Instead an occasional swarm of swallows would speed by sounding out their beautifully melancholy screeches. The lamps further along the beach line blinked on.

Paul stepped off the boat, adjusting his step to the sudden firmness of the dock beneath his footing. As he went on to secure his mooring lines he took notice of an unfamiliar looking boat parked right next to his on the opposite side of the otherwise familiar dock. Huh, visitors or new residents maybe? Great spot they had gotten themselves into right away, Paul thought.

“I’m still not over that, Paul”, Hugh’s voice in his mind sighed as Paul passed the back of his ship, glancing over at the stern proudly displaying the name “Hugh”.

Paul tried to ignore the comment, concentrating on tying the ship’s mooring lines. “Seems a bit corny for you, though. Don’t you think?” Hugh continued. To Paul’s chagrin.

“Oh, don’t I know it!” Paul sneered in his mind, tightening the lines, “I’m well aware of the levels of corniness at play there.”

Paul threw an excess line back on the deck and turned to move to the front of the ship, muttering out loud “I also knew, you’d love it.”

Hugh in his mind chuckled, “You are not wrong.”

“I’d rather still, I’m your boat”, Hugh’s voice continued on amused from the sidelines, “than some sample of an obscure species of fungi locked up in a laboratory freezer.”  
“Oh”, Paul sounded out loud almost delighted, “that can be arranged still too”, he snarked back in his mind, “you better not give me ideas.”

He was tying the last one of the lines, when he heard a voice behind him call out, “was a nice day for it, wasn’t it?”

Paul turned around in his squatted position to see a man on the deck of the foreign boat staring back at him. Elderly gentleman, suntanned skin, white hair, slight scruffy stubble, yet nice refined look about them. They were holding a mug in their hands, which they raised in salute to Paul’s confused gaze.

Paul rose up to stand, and found himself quite surprised for instinctively putting hands in his pockets and taking couple steps towards the boat to meet the man’s greeting. “Yeah”, Paul answered almost unrecognizably jovially, “the winds were most agreeable.”

“Fine one you got there”, the man said gesturing with his mug towards Paul’s ship, “looks almost brand new - you’ve had her for long?”

Paul took a quick look back at his boat. Guess you could say it was well kept. “About three years now”, he replied, “but I got him used in fact”, he continued turning back, “so, he’s got couple years before me even.”

“And actually came modified with an outboard”, Paul went on, surprised, but accepting of his current state of excitement over sharing this - it had been a while since he had had a change to 'talk engineering’ with anyone - “had to fix him with an inboard myself to recover the original look.”

The man’s face turned to a knowing smile as they turned their gaze downwards, taking a step towards the edge of their deck.

Paul felt a flash of discomfort shot through him. “Shit”, he thought. He might have just inadvertently opened up a lot more, than he meant.

“I’ve been meaning to get my motor changed as well”, the man conversed looking back up and to Paul again, “you seem like you know a thing or two about them.”

“How about a drink?”, the man offered, “I’d love to get an opinion.”

Paul’s sudden apprehension cleared then just as quickly as it had appeared, and he couldn’t help but to smile at the sudden obviousness of this conversation. He gave the man a frank look, “no, thanks. Sorry”, he replied with a slight smirk, “have to head back home.”

“I see”, the man replied with a faint disappointment in their eyes, but quickly turned to give Paul a warm, affectionate smile, “have a good night then.”

“You too”, Paul replied, actually okay with returning the smile in kind and turned to leave.

He was halfway down the dock as Hugh’s voice suddenly sounded out in his head again, “What the hell, Paul? He was gorgeous! And he was just throwing you some serious signs!”

“What?”, Paul’s smile quickly turned to a frown, at the sudden intrusion in his head, “what are you talking about?” He feigned ignorant, knowing full well how useless it was, trying to fool Hugh in his mind - trying to fool himself.

He had reached the end of the dock and stopped for a while. “Will you just shut up”, Paul thought to himself - on times likes this, he hated that he couldn’t have his own thoughts anymore, without Hugh knowing them all. He turned to take a quick look back at the ship at the end of the dock behind him and the lights shining from it’s cabin windows.

“Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t notice”, Hugh reprimanded him in his head, “you were flirting! Hard!”

Paul bent down on the edge of the dock and concentrated on removing his sailing shoes, trying his best to ignore Hugh, but it felt like the matter was left hanging in the air.

“You would know.” Paul threw away a comment, trying to avoid answering anything directly. He picked the shoes in his hand and stepped off the pier on to the sandy beach with his bare feet, and could clearly see in his mind Hugh throw one of his “oh, no you just didn’t” -looks at him.

“If I know - **you** know”, Hugh shot back at him snidely, “why the hell would you shoot him down then!?”

Paul continued trying to ignore Hugh in his head. He revered in the feeling of lingering warmth of sunlight on the sand beneath his feet, mixed in with the coolness of the early evening. Of course he knew. The situation had just felt so phony right then, and Paul wasn’t into playing games - Hugh of all people should’ve known that.

“Should I feel hurt, that you’re so desperately trying to hook your man up with strangers?” he let out almost derisively.

“What do you mean "my man”?“ Hugh’s voice snorted with mix of desperation and amusement in it, "you’re no-one’s man, Paul!”

Paul furrowed his brows, “Please, don’t say that”, he whispered out loud and turned his gaze down to his feet. He watched his toes get buried in the sand and the occasional wave brushing past his ankles, as he kept walking forwards, slowly wading through the shallow tide on the edge of the fluctuating waterline.

“You just want me to hook up with him, so you can lurk over there, watching.” Paul finally spoke out in his mind, letting the hurt sound through. He was clearly deliberately picking a fight now.  
“Stars above, Paul! What!?” Hugh’s voice sighed back at him, with hints of exhaustion, “have you any idea how twisted your mind is getting?”  
“You didn’t just throw away a good chance on account of a dead man’s voice in your head!?” Hugh screetched in his head.  
“Then shut up!” Paul snarked back, internally laughing at the desperation in Hugh’s voice, “no way I’d be 'hooking up’ today of all days anyway”.

“Yeah, such an 'exceptional day’”, Hugh’s voice relented mockingly.

“You need to get some”, echoed out in Paul’s head and he wasn’t quite sure to whom the thought belonged to. It wasn’t at all like him, but maybe he was entertaining such foreign thoughts thanks to Hugh’s 'encouragements’… or desperation. Maybe he was right; maybe he did need to connect with someone. But not today.

Paul walked rest of the way in peace. His senses concentrating on all the tranquil stimuli around him: the smooth swoosh of the waves against the sand, the salty smell of the sea, the sound of the swallows and occasional muffled shouts somewhere from the distance of the harbour, the cool evening breeze on his skin and in his hair and it’s fresh smell filling his head, the gentle after twilight lighting and the touch of the ground beneath his bare feet.

He loved this time of the day most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _[**tumblr**](http://jmalkki.tumblr.com/) | [**twitter**](https://twitter.com/Jemppu) | [**instagram**](https://www.instagram.com/jeminamalkki/) | [**DeviantArt**](https://www.deviantart.com/jemppu)_


	3. Sail On, Captain Stamets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _becalmed  
>  /bɪˈkɑːmd/  
> adjective  
> (of a sailing ship) unable to move through lack of wind._
> 
>   
> A day somewhere in Paul's imagined future after Hugh.
> 
> Originally [posted on tumblr.](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171533890709/sail-on-captain-stamets-with-you-ill-never-be)

[ ](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171533890709/sail-on-captain-stamets-with-you-ill-never-be)

The day was coming to an end. Paul stood in front of the bathroom mirror, finishing his evening rituals. He placed his toothbrush back into it’s cup - where he always kept two of them - and took one final look at himself from the mirror.

He ran his hand across his cheek, feeling out the subtle stubble. Then turned away and turned off the bathroom lights behind him manually.

“You should let that beard you had last year grow out again”, he heard Hugh comment as he walked back to the warmly lit bedroom, “it made you look damn hot, ‘daddy’.”

Paul could see a hint of embarrassment in his smile from his reflection on the windows. Occasionally the Hugh in his mind could sound dauntingly naive. Was he getting too old for the doctor?

“Naw. I’m over it”, he answered with a tone of amusement in his mind, walking across the room, over to the fully windowed wall and the wide open terrace door, “besides, I had to keep shaving it off for Starfleet anyway.”

“Ridiculous”, Hugh’s voice huffed from the bed, “you’ve only been a consultant and a lecturer at the Academy recently. Surely, you don’t have to keep up with the regulations standards that religiously.”

“It sets an example”, Paul responded matter of factly, leaning against the door frame with his back turned to the room.

“It was very distinguished”, Hugh’s voice sulked playfully behind him, “perfect ‘captain Stamets’ look… Or 'professor Mushroom’, if you prefer”

Paul chuckled to himself. He stood there arms crossed over his chest, in nothing but his pajama bottoms, peering into the darkness outside, trying to make out the outlines of the waterline further down the beach. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in all of the fresh sea air he could, and letting it take over all his senses.

His exhale then turned into a deep sigh. In moments like these he got reminded, that Hugh wasn’t really all there with him. He wanted to touch.

Paul turned away from the door, “Computer, turn off the lights”, he commanded, stepping back into the room.

The room seemed to suddenly get smaller by half, as the reflection on the windowed wall disappeared with the lights and got replaced by complete darkness for a moment. As Paul’s eyes adjusted themselves gradually, the night started to flood into the room. The boundary between inside of the room and out on the beach got blurred, and the sea was now clearly visible in the darkness, with a faint glow skimming across it’s surface all the way to the horizon in the far distance.

The night was warm and cloudy, but the cool sea breeze coming in from the open door provided relief from the humidity.

Paul climbed into the bed on to his usual side, next to the windowed wall. He liked having clear access to the door without needing to disturb the other side of the bed. He knew of course how ridiculous this too was.

He lay there on the bed listening to the waves breaking. Little by little the hum of the sea started to sound like a gentle breathing beside him. Paul smiled.

“You still awake?” he whispered into the dark room.

“Mm-hmm,” he heard a faint, sleepy response. As he lay there still, he could almost feel the mattress shift beneath him, like someone next to him was turning their side.

He could feel Hugh’s gaze on himself. “You realize, you actually wanted me gone today?”, he heard Hugh speak out gently, “I got in your way”.

Paul’s smile turned to an anguished frown. The tone of understanding in Hugh’s voice hurt him. “Never”, he attested firmly. He lay there as still as possible, staring at the ceiling, afraid to move too much, or turn to glance at his side, lest it chased away this sensation of Hugh beside him.

“You are being stubborn again, Mushroom”, Hugh whispered with a hint of worry in his voice, “why do you still cling on so desperately?”. He was so close Paul could almost feel the breath on him - or was that the sea breeze perhaps - “You said you’d be okay, if I left - why won’t you let me then?”

“Did you lie?”

Paul felt another flash of hurt. “I would never lie to you”, he responded in almost an angry tone.

“No, Mushroom”, Hugh’s calming response came immediately, “not to **me** ”.

Paul didn’t respond. He continued staring at the ceiling. He yearned to turn and look Hugh in the eyes. Kiss him goodnight. But knew none of that was possible.

So, he waited. He waited, listening to the hum of the sea, until he could hear a gentle snore next to him again. Then slowly drifted into sleep himself.

* * *

The next morning was sunny. The daylight shone through the fully windowed wall, past the open curtains, lighting the whole room. Outside the sea was whispering calmly and a gentle breeze came in from the open terrace door.

Paul turned around in the bed and slowly opened his eyes. He peered past the bed sheets out to the open sea and lay there on his back in a bed far too large for just one, letting the tranquil moment wash over him. He was just about to wish himself good morning, but stopped and decided not to.

It was the perfect day to start his first year without Hugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [**Thoughts on the Becalmed narrative on tumblr**](https://jmalkki.tumblr.com/post/171533934749/on-lost-love-and-dealing-with-lifes-injustices).

**Author's Note:**

> _[**tumblr**](http://jmalkki.tumblr.com/) | [**twitter**](https://twitter.com/Jemppu) | [**instagram**](https://www.instagram.com/jeminamalkki/) | [**DeviantArt**](https://www.deviantart.com/jemppu)_


End file.
